Damn Why She So Mad?!

The following is a posting I began to work on a few months back. I was a bit apprehensive about even publishing it due to where I was in that space in time. Lately, I had to re-examine where my own priorities are in life. I never thought money was that much of an influence in my life until I was laid off from my last conventional position. Maybe it's due to being an only child who didn't grow up with much. So many have this perception that all of us only children grow up super spoiled and extremely dependent on mommy and daddy. In my case, that is totally not true! I was forced into being totally self-sufficient at a very very early age. I found it quite embarrassing that my friends knew I was dragging bags of laundry blocks away from my apartment complex all on my own. In the meanwhile, their parents played that role to the fullest by taking care of them 100% and in some cases, beyond.

Like many things in life its influenced the kind of person I turned out to be. Leaving things bottled up inside and not reaching out to others has such a negative effect on my spirit. For me, opening up and being vulnerable is extremely difficult, even until this day. Just to show you it's all a process....

The Past -
I know things are still pretty tough out there, in terms of the economy. So many of us are frustrated on so many levels. You may have been one of the majority who lost their job. As a result, vacations are put on the back burner, no more spontaneous shopping trips to Target and forget about hanging with your usual social circle to do Friday Happy Hour any longer.

You've now become a leper. Money has so much focus and status in our society. Yours is now limited no one wants you around. Or maybe afraid to have you around for fear of you becoming 'that' friend. The moocher friend. As a result, you've now become angry. The holidays are fast approaching and people are expecting gifts. And let's face it people do expect things whether you were planning on giving or not.

What happened to cultivating your family and friends? When did all this emphasis have such a strong hold on the holidays?

Anger was never one of my strong suits. I was raised to stuff  all of the anger inside and just deal with it. So when my water boiled over it was a long time coming. Unfortunately, I unleashed it on the wrong person. I remember living in the Lawrenceville area when I moved back down to Atlanta over two years ago. One afternoon, I was going to retrieve the mail and pulled my car into a handicapped spot. No one was around during this time and the mailbox wasn't even ten steps in front of my car. When I ran out to grab the mail an elderly woman came walking from around the corner. She asked if that was my car and I told her yes and that I was leaving right now. Suddenly, she starts screaming about how I was inconsiderate and never took anyone else into account. If I did I would have never parked there to begin with.

The old me would have walked away. The angry me lashed out at her. I didn't care if she was my elder or not. In my mind, she had no idea what she was even talking about. Before I knew it I lashed back at her with plenty of curse words. I honestly am not going to repeat any of it verbatim because that entire situation was so out of my normal character. Let's just say that I behaved similar to Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey. You know, the infamous table flipping incident sprinkled with tons of profanity and hand gestures. That's the closest example of my behavior in this situation.

That behavior was so embarassing in my eyes. I knew it just wasn't who I really was. Most of all, it frightened me. I know I was more angry at the fact that I was letting money have such a hold over my daily living. I know the anger was still stemming from my recent divorce. All that I unleashed was not intended for this elderly woman. It was 9 years worth of pent up emotion slowly leaking out onto any unsuspecting soul. It was more than being about money.

Your Voice -
I would like to know how the rest of you deal with your anger? Yes I have felt angry before but I have never lashed out using that as a catalyst before in my life until recently. To hear how the rest of you are dealing with that would be great.

Look forward to it.

Namaste,
Rhonda Iris

Do you believe in morals?

The definition of morals is: of or concerned with the judgment of the goodness or badness of human action and charcter/conforming to standards of what is right or just in behavior; virtuous

But how do we even know what is truly considered right from wrong? Is it that nudging in your gut or when your conscience is still speaking to you well after the situation was said and done? Maybe....

I saw a movie yesterday that was set back in the 1950's and a scene kind of disturbed me. I totally understand that it was just a movie but sometimes art does imitate life. It was during a wedding reception scene and all the teenagers went out into a private garden to get high. Turns out getting high wasn't enough. It soon turned into a full fledge orgy. One girl in the scene ends up getting raped. I totally understand that times are different now. People are more open, sexually speaking, but when is leaving yourself open too much?

I've definitely been involved in similar situations like that, where everyone was going in one direction and you weren't comfortable joining in. My main reason was out of fear. My entire life has been navigated with fear sitting at the steering wheel.

The closest I've been to that situation was back in high school. A school friend of mine came by my house to pick me up to hang out for a bit. Once I walked outside I see a guy, who I had a crush on at the time, from our school sitting in the drivers seat. I had no idea he had a car, muchless, a drivers license. We basically went joyriding around the city for a few hours. That actually occurred two nights in a row. When the weekend rolled around my friend tells me the guy was arrested. Come to find out the car was stolen and he had no drivers license at all. Was I that naive to think this guy was on the straight and narrow to even begin with? I don't know, maybe I was. We all would like to just assume that everyone has our best intensions in mind. That everyone is practicing ethical behavior and living on the up and up but the fact of the matter is that most don't. We are all imperfect beings and slip-ups are to be expected but free-will with a conscience is within us for a reason.

I can only speak from my experience and I am fully aware of when I tell a lie, be it white or not. I'm fully aware of when I hurt someone else's feelings, intentionally. Sometimes you don't want to hurt others. But I know for me, their are plenty of individuals that I would like to knowingly hurt but I choose not to. I guess that's where morals come into play. If none of us had that small compass inside us I think the world would be a much much more harder place to exist.

Your Voice: Do you consider yourself to have morals? And do you think most people walk through life using theirs?

Look forward to hearing from you all.
Namaste,
Rhonda Iris

Are You Really What You Attract?

Growing up I was always known as that girl who attended the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses. Having been raised in an inner city public school environment made that a bit tougher for me in many ways. The kids assumed that I was programmed to preach to them on command. On one end of the spectrum, the majority of the kids stayed away from me. Being ostracized became the norm. Then on the other end, I was allowed in to associate with what were deemed the outcasts. But within that realm I still tread very lightly.
During that time there was one scripture that seemed to have been drilled into my skull - 'Bad associations spoils useful habits'. That's only a small portion of it but you all get the general meaning. I took that scripture to heart growing up. Every person I surrounded myself with was looked at with my critical eye. But then I realized that I wasn't that type of person. I found it so difficult to judge so harshly. I knew everyone came from a different situation than mine. Some good and some very bad. I was the girl who became friendly with gang members from the Latin Kings. I was the girl who knew all the dope boys standing out on the corners everyday getting their hustle on. I never preached at anyone. I took the time to honestly get to know people and that's what made me the cool church girl at the end of the day. 

During my freshman year in high school a long time friend of mine had confessed to me that she was pregnant. Mind you , I was 13 and she was 14 years old. I was so fearful of telling my mother about what was going on with her. I already knew deep down inside that my mother would instantly make me stop associating with her. I ended up telling my mother later on and was very surprised at her lack of reaction to the news.

Its taken me years to learn this but by her not reacting she was speaking volumes. Decisions were solely up to me at that point in my life. The messages were already embedded into my soul, it was up to me if I truly wanted to listen, take heed and try to integrate them into my daily life. Even in my adult years I find that some people just can't be trusted, saved or even helped. But the one constant, I'm realizing, those same kind of folks that many of you would deem degenerates, still flock to me. Within this last week I have been experiencing repetitive light bulb moments. I used to think guys, and some women, who did time in jail, once sold drugs, murdered people, considered moochers, baby making machines with no other goals in life and anything else you can label them, were just that. Most were products of there environments. They were never given the opportunity to see what was on the other side of that greener grass. And I often wondered why did they constantly gravitate towards me? I didn't hang out in what was considered in an unsavory environment. My close circle of friends were all educated, compassionate and active contributors to society. So why did I still cross paths with people like that on a semi-regular basis? Even to this day...

Sometimes what you are is what other people want to obtain, mold and create for themselves in their very own lives. That's exactly how it was for me growing up. I was on the constant lookout for an exceptional role model. I wanted to create a life for myself that I knew was obtainable. I was a city that was dying with no way out except college, if you could afford it, that was the yellow brick road to another world. A world where you create a new life of your own. Life is what you make it, after all. If you want to live the street life, selling drugs, getting into fights, working a job that's a joke and having multiple baby mama's/father's, then have at it. It's yours for the taking. But we all know human nature wants us to strive for more and for better. If you want something more meaningful, it's out there. You just have to take the hard steps to get to it. I apologize if I ended up sounding like a public service announcement but there is definite truth to those words. I can say that I'm living proof of that.

Your Voice:
Do you feel that you may attract what maybe the total opposite of what you stand for currently? Or do you take that attraction as something must be wrong within you?

Look forward to hearing from you all.
Namaste,
Rhonda Iris

Giving Thanks

So it's official, the holiday season is finally upon us. This time of year always makes me reflect on my own life and all the people I care about.

For as long as I can remember, I always worked in the retail field. Soon as November rolled around we all knew it was time to get ready for the long hours and the crowded parking lots.

One day I was working on pulling out some Christmas decorations and prepping garland to get hung up. I will never forget the sight and the sounds I heard while standing ten feet high in the center of the aisle on a ladder. A business woman was walking through the store with sheer panic on her face. She was surrounded by three women rambling off a checklist to her. I honestly thought this woman was about to pass out right there in the middle of Macy's. The three women with her so resembled vultures just picking away at her brain, driving this poor women into the mouth of madness. During all of this chaos I noticed they were walking straight for my ladder. I bared down tight, just in case they did bump into my ladder while I was still standing on top of it. This woman must have seen my action of buckling myself down and holding on tight. Once she looked up and saw me she fell clean onto her face in the center of the aisle. That moment felt like slow motion, like when a cd skips and the music just cuts off in the middle of a party. Everyone just stops dancing and gives the DJ the look of death. This lady must have laid on the floor for what felt like an eternity.

Once she pulled herself together and began to stand up a couple of on lookers were standing next to my ladder. One person said, "See, this is why I can't stand holidays. You go crazy buying gifts for people you can't stand and who just aren't grateful for them anyway. Look at that poor woman all stressed out over these damn holidays, just makes no sense to me."

Is what the on lookers said true? I grew up not celebrating holidays and once I was old enough to make my own decisions about celebrating anything I honestly didn't want to. I try to celebrate every day of my life. Don't get me wrong, I respect those of you who indulge in all of this celebration but I celebrate differently, that's all. Sometimes I think we all get so caught up in the idea of just following each other that we even forget what in the hell are we even celebrating.
My question to you: Do you know why your celebrating the holidays? I love Thanksgiving. Even though over the years its turned into something more gluttonous. I think it's a great excuse to allow yourself to overindulge, as well as, have friends and family over to have a good time. But when you really think about it you can have friends and family over anytime of the year to eat and socialize.

Can't wait to hear from you all....
Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Harvest and Namaste,
Rhonda Iris

You Talkin' To Me!?

Judging is a part of our daily lives whether we want to acknowledge that fact or not. It's something that just comes naturally to us all. We may come across something in the news and instantly make a snap judgement. We go out into the world and cross paths with a homeless guy begging for change and make a snap judgement. You say to yourself, he must be on drugs or something to be out here begging like that. Your out with your friends and you see a woman wearing a certain type of outfit and instantly judge her for that, even if she looks good or not.

About 5 years ago I had a afternoon party with a few of my closest friends and acquaintances at the time. I invited a new woman to join us, who I only just met a couple of months prior. Let's call her Lisa for the sake of the story I'm about to embark on. Anyway, I always loved hosting small gatherings at my home. It makes me feel good knowing that people are enjoying themselves in my space.

After the event was over I walked Lisa to her car and asked if she had a good time. I just wanted to make sure that I made her feel comfortable and included. She was very thankful and said yes she enjoyed herself.

The next day I receive a phone call from her. In my mind, I'm thinking she was calling to say thank you for inviting her once again but the call was something totally unexpected. Lisa thanked me for the invite and then segways into asking how I knew the other ladies in attendance. I explained to her that I was friends with one and the rest I knew from going out from time to time. In other words, they were acquaintances but good people. Inviting them to this party was my way of trying to get to know the rest of them more. Her next statement shocked me.

She then asked, "How are they friends with you? I just don't understand that." I wasn't sure where she was going with that so I asked her to elaborate more. She continued by saying, "Well I ask how can they be friends with you, just look at you - there so beautiful and you....I don't know." I was in total and complete shock by that statement. She made it sound as if by those model gorgeous woman associating with me was there way of taking pity on my sorry Sasquatch ass. I'm making light of this story by even calling myself a Sasquatch, but I never saw myself as anything to take pity on muchless ugly. If anything I was the total opposite. I accepted who I was and paraded myself around as such. I felt good in whatever I was wearing and I always made whatever outing feel like I was on a runway in Paris. I appreciate every step I take in my life. It took me quite a few years to even get to this place. I didn't come from my mother's womb perfect. I'm anything but....

By her making that kind of statement to me just shows how harshly we all judge one another. This woman was obviously not my friend to begin with. But you'll find people that you consider to be your 'friends' may say something just as harsh to you or even worse. It's up to you to speak up and tell them that there perspection of you is totally false. Sometimes you'll find that they need to look at themselves in the mirror. That they need to learn to accept what's looking back. That's a lesson we all need to learn at some point in our lives.

Your Voice:
Has anyone is your life overstepped that boundary of judgement to you? What was your reaction? Did you come back harshly or did your rise above what was said? Or maybe even let that dictate your own perception of yourself?

Sometimes people think they are saving you anguish by voicing such things to you but in reality they are calling out what they secretly loathe about themselves.

Namaste,
Rhonda Iris

Changing For Them

Having a fulfilling, nurturing and fun relationship is what most of us aim for in our lives. In my life, I have not had many full on relationships with the opposite sex. Dealing with my own insecurity and trust issues has always been such a huge hindrance when it came to dating. But one thing I have noticed over the years with me and my other friends, we all seem to have the tendency to change ourselves for the sake of being fully accepted by the other person.

Why do you think this happens so often? And not only to just us women, I have testimonies from men as well.

These behavior changes seem to go deeper than just changing your priorities to only spend your free time with this new found person in your life.

I vividly remember having a strong love of music. Always have and I always will. I loved going to quiet, dark lounges to just sit and listen to a DJ set or some jazz music even. It was my way of relaxing, being casual with a bit of mild socializing thrown into the mix. My new love interest compromised and joined me once one evening. After I brought it up to him to go again the following month, all of a sudden it wasn't a good idea for me to go anymore. He didn't like the venues or the people or anything for that matter. I realized, when it was too late, it was about isolating me and molding me into what he saw fit. Looking back I wonder what he even fell in love with in the first place. Or why I changed for that matter. But sooner or later your true self always comes to light and if the other party can't deal with it then they weren't for you anyway!

You should never have to change who you are or what you enjoy just to make someone else feel better about themselves. I fully except who I am and what I love about me. Many people just don't accept that. We sometimes figure if someone we're attracted to doesn't agree with something we enjoy that must mean something must be wrong,...with ME!

As time went on I realized I was completely alone when it came to wanting to socialize with other people. I ignored my friends so much to the point that they all disappeared and even changed their contact information. Their was no such thing as a 'girls night out' any longer. The mission was accomplished. I woke up complete isolated, alone, unhappy and not fully being. I was just here. That definitely was not good enough. That shouldn't be good enough for any of you either.

What To Do:
Stay true to who you are. Ask yourself, why would this person not want me to meet my girlfriends for our weekly Zumba classes? Why would they question me about who I associate with that they are not fully aware of?
If you have nothing to hide then answering those questions would be quick and easy. But if it becomes the main topic of discussion all the time, please take my advice and RUN! Those are small red flags that this person is not secure in who they are. If they were they would step outside of their box and ask to join you one night at Zumba. Getting to know each other is what truly cultivates and nurtures a good solid relationship.

Your Voice:
Has anyone ever been in a situation like that before? Did you realize you were already in too deep before you decided to cut the cord or did you stick it out?
I want to hear your stories.

Namaste,
Rhonda Iris

New World Order

In the past three weeks, alone, I have come across many women voicing their concerns about what direction relationships are heading currently. The main unanimous concern is that they feel men are confused about their new role in society these days. Unlike 60 years ago, women are becoming the breadwinners and are seeking out higher education. All while a good portion of men are staying stagnant. Some have confessed to me that they feel inadequate when meeting women of such standard. They think, what do they have to offer to a woman who's doing it for herself? It's not always about money but most fail to even realize that. It's about chivalry, respect and creating a true connection.

I'm sure you've all seen that commercial from Match.com claiming that 1 in 5 dating relationships now begins via the Internet, no wonder everyone seems a bit confused. Before technology had such a strong presence we were all forced to meet someone the old fashioned way, SOCIALIZING. Going out to a local town dance or your parents dragging you along to a neighbors dinner party just so you could meet there single son. Situations like that are few and far between. The art of face to face conversation is slowly falling by the wayside. It's being replaced by a new language, texting. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against texting but we all know that figuring out someones tone or emotion is hard enough, now imagine it solely through receiving a small typed snippet.

What To Do Now:
Let's not forget how to be human. If your having a difficult time invite yourself along with your friends the next time they go out for dinner and/or drinks. Force yourself to speak to a stranger. All you have to do is say hi, have you been here before, how do you like it? Some people may respond while others will not. Don't let that discourage you. By making it a habit to actually get out there and socialize it will make you a more well-rounded person. You'll become more comfortable in holding descent conversations. Confidence will radiate from you and that is what catches people's attention.

Your Voice:
I want to know - do any of you have a difficult time meeting new people and getting yourself out there? Is it that unsettling just thinking about going out alone? Let me know.

Namaste,
Rhonda Iris