A chance phone encounter with someone I went out on one date with last year came back into my life. Then when I thought about it again, this is the fourth time our paths have crossed in the last year. I began to wonder was it coincidence or was I supposed to learn something from this guy?
He confessed to me during our conversation that he never contacted me back again because of his own self-doubts. The tape player in his mind kept repeating, "Look at you, why would she want a guy like you anyway!" I would have never thought he would confess that to me but fine. I get self-doubt, I get self-sabotage but that kind of negative speak is beyond me. That showed me he had absolutely no confidence.
When my divorce was still fresh I had the same language swirling around in my head. Why would anyone want to consider dating someone like me? I had no job, I was sleeping on my friends daybed and my car was ten years old. In my mind, I had nothing else going for me. I was pathetic. Then I kept meeting men who had less than I did but had nerve to question my motives with them. If I wanted what little bit they already had, if I was looking for someone to lay up in my small space or looking to trap another man. It was none of those. I was looking for true companionship from someone who didn't call me a bitch every time I walked in the door. I was looking for outer peace to match the inner peace I had finally obtained. Like Mary J. Blige says, No More Drama! I was honestly looking for no more drama!
So my lesson with crossing paths with him again was to remind me of what I didn't want in my life going forward. I didn't want someone who questioned my true intentions. I didn't want someone who couldn't even look at themselves in the mirror without wanting to smash it. I didn't want someone who didn't believe in themselves. After all, why would I want someone who's my total opposite in all the negative things.
Honestly,
Rhonda
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, April 9, 2012
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Are You Really What You Attract?
Growing up I was always known as that girl who attended the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses. Having been raised in an inner city public school environment made that a bit tougher for me in many ways. The kids assumed that I was programmed to preach to them on command. On one end of the spectrum, the majority of the kids stayed away from me. Being ostracized became the norm. Then on the other end, I was allowed in to associate with what were deemed the outcasts. But within that realm I still tread very lightly.
During that time there was one scripture that seemed to have been drilled into my skull - 'Bad associations spoils useful habits'. That's only a small portion of it but you all get the general meaning. I took that scripture to heart growing up. Every person I surrounded myself with was looked at with my critical eye. But then I realized that I wasn't that type of person. I found it so difficult to judge so harshly. I knew everyone came from a different situation than mine. Some good and some very bad. I was the girl who became friendly with gang members from the Latin Kings. I was the girl who knew all the dope boys standing out on the corners everyday getting their hustle on. I never preached at anyone. I took the time to honestly get to know people and that's what made me the cool church girl at the end of the day.
During my freshman year in high school a long time friend of mine had confessed to me that she was pregnant. Mind you , I was 13 and she was 14 years old. I was so fearful of telling my mother about what was going on with her. I already knew deep down inside that my mother would instantly make me stop associating with her. I ended up telling my mother later on and was very surprised at her lack of reaction to the news.
Its taken me years to learn this but by her not reacting she was speaking volumes. Decisions were solely up to me at that point in my life. The messages were already embedded into my soul, it was up to me if I truly wanted to listen, take heed and try to integrate them into my daily life. Even in my adult years I find that some people just can't be trusted, saved or even helped. But the one constant, I'm realizing, those same kind of folks that many of you would deem degenerates, still flock to me. Within this last week I have been experiencing repetitive light bulb moments. I used to think guys, and some women, who did time in jail, once sold drugs, murdered people, considered moochers, baby making machines with no other goals in life and anything else you can label them, were just that. Most were products of there environments. They were never given the opportunity to see what was on the other side of that greener grass. And I often wondered why did they constantly gravitate towards me? I didn't hang out in what was considered in an unsavory environment. My close circle of friends were all educated, compassionate and active contributors to society. So why did I still cross paths with people like that on a semi-regular basis? Even to this day...
Sometimes what you are is what other people want to obtain, mold and create for themselves in their very own lives. That's exactly how it was for me growing up. I was on the constant lookout for an exceptional role model. I wanted to create a life for myself that I knew was obtainable. I was a city that was dying with no way out except college, if you could afford it, that was the yellow brick road to another world. A world where you create a new life of your own. Life is what you make it, after all. If you want to live the street life, selling drugs, getting into fights, working a job that's a joke and having multiple baby mama's/father's, then have at it. It's yours for the taking. But we all know human nature wants us to strive for more and for better. If you want something more meaningful, it's out there. You just have to take the hard steps to get to it. I apologize if I ended up sounding like a public service announcement but there is definite truth to those words. I can say that I'm living proof of that.
Your Voice:
Do you feel that you may attract what maybe the total opposite of what you stand for currently? Or do you take that attraction as something must be wrong within you?
Look forward to hearing from you all.
Namaste,
Rhonda Iris
During that time there was one scripture that seemed to have been drilled into my skull - 'Bad associations spoils useful habits'. That's only a small portion of it but you all get the general meaning. I took that scripture to heart growing up. Every person I surrounded myself with was looked at with my critical eye. But then I realized that I wasn't that type of person. I found it so difficult to judge so harshly. I knew everyone came from a different situation than mine. Some good and some very bad. I was the girl who became friendly with gang members from the Latin Kings. I was the girl who knew all the dope boys standing out on the corners everyday getting their hustle on. I never preached at anyone. I took the time to honestly get to know people and that's what made me the cool church girl at the end of the day.
During my freshman year in high school a long time friend of mine had confessed to me that she was pregnant. Mind you , I was 13 and she was 14 years old. I was so fearful of telling my mother about what was going on with her. I already knew deep down inside that my mother would instantly make me stop associating with her. I ended up telling my mother later on and was very surprised at her lack of reaction to the news.
Its taken me years to learn this but by her not reacting she was speaking volumes. Decisions were solely up to me at that point in my life. The messages were already embedded into my soul, it was up to me if I truly wanted to listen, take heed and try to integrate them into my daily life. Even in my adult years I find that some people just can't be trusted, saved or even helped. But the one constant, I'm realizing, those same kind of folks that many of you would deem degenerates, still flock to me. Within this last week I have been experiencing repetitive light bulb moments. I used to think guys, and some women, who did time in jail, once sold drugs, murdered people, considered moochers, baby making machines with no other goals in life and anything else you can label them, were just that. Most were products of there environments. They were never given the opportunity to see what was on the other side of that greener grass. And I often wondered why did they constantly gravitate towards me? I didn't hang out in what was considered in an unsavory environment. My close circle of friends were all educated, compassionate and active contributors to society. So why did I still cross paths with people like that on a semi-regular basis? Even to this day...
Sometimes what you are is what other people want to obtain, mold and create for themselves in their very own lives. That's exactly how it was for me growing up. I was on the constant lookout for an exceptional role model. I wanted to create a life for myself that I knew was obtainable. I was a city that was dying with no way out except college, if you could afford it, that was the yellow brick road to another world. A world where you create a new life of your own. Life is what you make it, after all. If you want to live the street life, selling drugs, getting into fights, working a job that's a joke and having multiple baby mama's/father's, then have at it. It's yours for the taking. But we all know human nature wants us to strive for more and for better. If you want something more meaningful, it's out there. You just have to take the hard steps to get to it. I apologize if I ended up sounding like a public service announcement but there is definite truth to those words. I can say that I'm living proof of that.
Your Voice:
Do you feel that you may attract what maybe the total opposite of what you stand for currently? Or do you take that attraction as something must be wrong within you?
Look forward to hearing from you all.
Namaste,
Rhonda Iris
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Changing For Them
Having a fulfilling, nurturing and fun relationship is what most of us aim for in our lives. In my life, I have not had many full on relationships with the opposite sex. Dealing with my own insecurity and trust issues has always been such a huge hindrance when it came to dating. But one thing I have noticed over the years with me and my other friends, we all seem to have the tendency to change ourselves for the sake of being fully accepted by the other person.
Why do you think this happens so often? And not only to just us women, I have testimonies from men as well.
These behavior changes seem to go deeper than just changing your priorities to only spend your free time with this new found person in your life.
I vividly remember having a strong love of music. Always have and I always will. I loved going to quiet, dark lounges to just sit and listen to a DJ set or some jazz music even. It was my way of relaxing, being casual with a bit of mild socializing thrown into the mix. My new love interest compromised and joined me once one evening. After I brought it up to him to go again the following month, all of a sudden it wasn't a good idea for me to go anymore. He didn't like the venues or the people or anything for that matter. I realized, when it was too late, it was about isolating me and molding me into what he saw fit. Looking back I wonder what he even fell in love with in the first place. Or why I changed for that matter. But sooner or later your true self always comes to light and if the other party can't deal with it then they weren't for you anyway!
You should never have to change who you are or what you enjoy just to make someone else feel better about themselves. I fully except who I am and what I love about me. Many people just don't accept that. We sometimes figure if someone we're attracted to doesn't agree with something we enjoy that must mean something must be wrong,...with ME!
As time went on I realized I was completely alone when it came to wanting to socialize with other people. I ignored my friends so much to the point that they all disappeared and even changed their contact information. Their was no such thing as a 'girls night out' any longer. The mission was accomplished. I woke up complete isolated, alone, unhappy and not fully being. I was just here. That definitely was not good enough. That shouldn't be good enough for any of you either.
What To Do:
Stay true to who you are. Ask yourself, why would this person not want me to meet my girlfriends for our weekly Zumba classes? Why would they question me about who I associate with that they are not fully aware of?
If you have nothing to hide then answering those questions would be quick and easy. But if it becomes the main topic of discussion all the time, please take my advice and RUN! Those are small red flags that this person is not secure in who they are. If they were they would step outside of their box and ask to join you one night at Zumba. Getting to know each other is what truly cultivates and nurtures a good solid relationship.
Your Voice:
Has anyone ever been in a situation like that before? Did you realize you were already in too deep before you decided to cut the cord or did you stick it out?
I want to hear your stories.
Namaste,
Rhonda Iris
Why do you think this happens so often? And not only to just us women, I have testimonies from men as well.
These behavior changes seem to go deeper than just changing your priorities to only spend your free time with this new found person in your life.
I vividly remember having a strong love of music. Always have and I always will. I loved going to quiet, dark lounges to just sit and listen to a DJ set or some jazz music even. It was my way of relaxing, being casual with a bit of mild socializing thrown into the mix. My new love interest compromised and joined me once one evening. After I brought it up to him to go again the following month, all of a sudden it wasn't a good idea for me to go anymore. He didn't like the venues or the people or anything for that matter. I realized, when it was too late, it was about isolating me and molding me into what he saw fit. Looking back I wonder what he even fell in love with in the first place. Or why I changed for that matter. But sooner or later your true self always comes to light and if the other party can't deal with it then they weren't for you anyway!
You should never have to change who you are or what you enjoy just to make someone else feel better about themselves. I fully except who I am and what I love about me. Many people just don't accept that. We sometimes figure if someone we're attracted to doesn't agree with something we enjoy that must mean something must be wrong,...with ME!
As time went on I realized I was completely alone when it came to wanting to socialize with other people. I ignored my friends so much to the point that they all disappeared and even changed their contact information. Their was no such thing as a 'girls night out' any longer. The mission was accomplished. I woke up complete isolated, alone, unhappy and not fully being. I was just here. That definitely was not good enough. That shouldn't be good enough for any of you either.
What To Do:
Stay true to who you are. Ask yourself, why would this person not want me to meet my girlfriends for our weekly Zumba classes? Why would they question me about who I associate with that they are not fully aware of?
If you have nothing to hide then answering those questions would be quick and easy. But if it becomes the main topic of discussion all the time, please take my advice and RUN! Those are small red flags that this person is not secure in who they are. If they were they would step outside of their box and ask to join you one night at Zumba. Getting to know each other is what truly cultivates and nurtures a good solid relationship.
Your Voice:
Has anyone ever been in a situation like that before? Did you realize you were already in too deep before you decided to cut the cord or did you stick it out?
I want to hear your stories.
Namaste,
Rhonda Iris
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