The following is a posting I began to work on a few months back. I was a bit apprehensive about even publishing it due to where I was in that space in time. Lately, I had to re-examine where my own priorities are in life. I never thought money was that much of an influence in my life until I was laid off from my last conventional position. Maybe it's due to being an only child who didn't grow up with much. So many have this perception that all of us only children grow up super spoiled and extremely dependent on mommy and daddy. In my case, that is totally not true! I was forced into being totally self-sufficient at a very very early age. I found it quite embarrassing that my friends knew I was dragging bags of laundry blocks away from my apartment complex all on my own. In the meanwhile, their parents played that role to the fullest by taking care of them 100% and in some cases, beyond.
Like many things in life its influenced the kind of person I turned out to be. Leaving things bottled up inside and not reaching out to others has such a negative effect on my spirit. For me, opening up and being vulnerable is extremely difficult, even until this day. Just to show you it's all a process....
The Past -
I know things are still pretty tough out there, in terms of the economy. So many of us are frustrated on so many levels. You may have been one of the majority who lost their job. As a result, vacations are put on the back burner, no more spontaneous shopping trips to Target and forget about hanging with your usual social circle to do Friday Happy Hour any longer.
You've now become a leper. Money has so much focus and status in our society. Yours is now limited no one wants you around. Or maybe afraid to have you around for fear of you becoming 'that' friend. The moocher friend. As a result, you've now become angry. The holidays are fast approaching and people are expecting gifts. And let's face it people do expect things whether you were planning on giving or not.
What happened to cultivating your family and friends? When did all this emphasis have such a strong hold on the holidays?
Anger was never one of my strong suits. I was raised to stuff all of the anger inside and just deal with it. So when my water boiled over it was a long time coming. Unfortunately, I unleashed it on the wrong person. I remember living in the Lawrenceville area when I moved back down to Atlanta over two years ago. One afternoon, I was going to retrieve the mail and pulled my car into a handicapped spot. No one was around during this time and the mailbox wasn't even ten steps in front of my car. When I ran out to grab the mail an elderly woman came walking from around the corner. She asked if that was my car and I told her yes and that I was leaving right now. Suddenly, she starts screaming about how I was inconsiderate and never took anyone else into account. If I did I would have never parked there to begin with.
The old me would have walked away. The angry me lashed out at her. I didn't care if she was my elder or not. In my mind, she had no idea what she was even talking about. Before I knew it I lashed back at her with plenty of curse words. I honestly am not going to repeat any of it verbatim because that entire situation was so out of my normal character. Let's just say that I behaved similar to Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey. You know, the infamous table flipping incident sprinkled with tons of profanity and hand gestures. That's the closest example of my behavior in this situation.
That behavior was so embarassing in my eyes. I knew it just wasn't who I really was. Most of all, it frightened me. I know I was more angry at the fact that I was letting money have such a hold over my daily living. I know the anger was still stemming from my recent divorce. All that I unleashed was not intended for this elderly woman. It was 9 years worth of pent up emotion slowly leaking out onto any unsuspecting soul. It was more than being about money.
Your Voice -
I would like to know how the rest of you deal with your anger? Yes I have felt angry before but I have never lashed out using that as a catalyst before in my life until recently. To hear how the rest of you are dealing with that would be great.
Look forward to it.
Namaste,
Rhonda Iris
Like many things in life its influenced the kind of person I turned out to be. Leaving things bottled up inside and not reaching out to others has such a negative effect on my spirit. For me, opening up and being vulnerable is extremely difficult, even until this day. Just to show you it's all a process....
The Past -
I know things are still pretty tough out there, in terms of the economy. So many of us are frustrated on so many levels. You may have been one of the majority who lost their job. As a result, vacations are put on the back burner, no more spontaneous shopping trips to Target and forget about hanging with your usual social circle to do Friday Happy Hour any longer.
You've now become a leper. Money has so much focus and status in our society. Yours is now limited no one wants you around. Or maybe afraid to have you around for fear of you becoming 'that' friend. The moocher friend. As a result, you've now become angry. The holidays are fast approaching and people are expecting gifts. And let's face it people do expect things whether you were planning on giving or not.
What happened to cultivating your family and friends? When did all this emphasis have such a strong hold on the holidays?
Anger was never one of my strong suits. I was raised to stuff all of the anger inside and just deal with it. So when my water boiled over it was a long time coming. Unfortunately, I unleashed it on the wrong person. I remember living in the Lawrenceville area when I moved back down to Atlanta over two years ago. One afternoon, I was going to retrieve the mail and pulled my car into a handicapped spot. No one was around during this time and the mailbox wasn't even ten steps in front of my car. When I ran out to grab the mail an elderly woman came walking from around the corner. She asked if that was my car and I told her yes and that I was leaving right now. Suddenly, she starts screaming about how I was inconsiderate and never took anyone else into account. If I did I would have never parked there to begin with.
The old me would have walked away. The angry me lashed out at her. I didn't care if she was my elder or not. In my mind, she had no idea what she was even talking about. Before I knew it I lashed back at her with plenty of curse words. I honestly am not going to repeat any of it verbatim because that entire situation was so out of my normal character. Let's just say that I behaved similar to Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey. You know, the infamous table flipping incident sprinkled with tons of profanity and hand gestures. That's the closest example of my behavior in this situation.
That behavior was so embarassing in my eyes. I knew it just wasn't who I really was. Most of all, it frightened me. I know I was more angry at the fact that I was letting money have such a hold over my daily living. I know the anger was still stemming from my recent divorce. All that I unleashed was not intended for this elderly woman. It was 9 years worth of pent up emotion slowly leaking out onto any unsuspecting soul. It was more than being about money.
Your Voice -
I would like to know how the rest of you deal with your anger? Yes I have felt angry before but I have never lashed out using that as a catalyst before in my life until recently. To hear how the rest of you are dealing with that would be great.
Look forward to it.
Namaste,
Rhonda Iris
6 comments:
The depth of anger we emote from within or that someone else releases at us is directly porportionate to the depth of their woundedness and pain inside. If we Shift our Perception from thr anger to the pain, we can then try to help them through it by understanding that people who are hurting inside tend to hurt others in kind.
True - it relates back to the concept of displaced anger. For someone like me, keeping emotions bottled up was always a way of life. Evolving from that has certainly been a struggle but a much needed one.
Thanks for posting..
Thank you for sharing sis. Takes a lot of courage to not only be true to self but share your truths-be it revealing your flaws to others...I commend you. Self preservation is rarely easy.I have been there many times by the way.I know I have a short temper.Oppression, regression, suppression and depression do not help aid it.We are all a work in progress naman. Maraming Salamat. Thanks.
ANGER WHO THE HELL IS ANGE-RY OH I M NOT TO USE CAP'S OH WELL all kidding aside I myself am very anger person yes I am loud and noisy can relate to that old broad and not because I m old too but a lot of us need to get it out that anger just builds up and up and does not go away so we have to let it out like stream from a teapot it is unfortunately that she let loose on you but in this life were most of the anger just sit inside and we can't get out every little bit helps
I've blown up, and immediately regretted it, with my teenager. It's important to stop and think first, so as not to set this kind of example for her. I don't know how to un-do the anger of the past, but I can work on the present and the future.
Feeding into our emotions is just being human. What separates us from animals is that we don't have to act on immediate impulse. We have free-will and can make choices, even though survival can come into play.
Like I said, I'm familiar with that feeling of being angry. I just have never given myself the opportunity to actively act on it. To put it on display, to possibly endanger others and maybe even end up getting myself hurt.
I spent 9 years being married to someone who had absolutely no idea why he was so angry, sometimes displaying full on rage. Closer to me leaving, their were countless days where I was terrified to even come home from work. I never knew what would be waiting for me on the other side of that door. I promised myself I would never act on my own angry and once I finally left, I did. The difference between me and him was that I realized what I did and made an attempt to correct it. He kept on living in that cycle.
You can keep running on your hammer wheel or decide to get off and walk instead!
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